Playroom that’s become a storage room? Coffee table submerged in Lego? Enough lip gloss to open a shop? Seasonal declutter is here.

CONSIDERING there are so many useless gizmos and gadgets on the market, it randomly struck me this week as odd that no one has invented something to deal with our Returnables.

It’s surprising isn’t it, that no bright spark has had a Eureka moment to deal with a situation that every household has to manage – mini mountains of bottles and cans that seem to multiply overnight? Bizarrely I store mine in a large bag in the boot of the car. It was meant to be a temporary solution, while I came up with something more permanent and worked out a proper system, but it’s somehow become the norm – and something I curse while doing the weekly shop as the bottles routinely spill out all over the place. So there’s a bit of self-interest in someone coming up with something better, and less sticky.

There’s bound to be some clever clogs out there who could turn something around and I even have a few ideas for him/her. How about some kind of talking storage container that when you go past a certain level in the container, it reminds you to go to the  returnable machine? Something along the lines of: ‘What are you waiting for? Next level chaos in your utility room? Proceed immediately to a reverse vending machine. Do not delay.’ That would help right? Or perhaps it could keep an eye on what you’re returning in the first place? ‘I thought you said you were off the Coke Zero?’ or ‘that’s an awful lot of tonic bottles – I presume you’re having gin with that? Do I need to arrange an intervention?’. I’m certain there’s an opportunity there. If anyone wants to collaborate, get in touch. We could make our millions.

Anyway, I had reason to be on the road a bit more often this week and was struck by the insane volume of cars everywhere. It’s bonkers.

There’s the insanely slow drivers, the mental fast ones, and everything in between and one thing is certain: you won’t get anywhere in a hurry. It was while driving that I heard a  radio segment that asked the question: is your car distracting you? It was on the back of a recent survey that found an overwhelming majority of people (71%) fear modern cars with more in-built screens and tech cars are doing just that, and I’d have to agree.

Now I am tied into one of these Personal Contract Plans (PCP), where I basically lease a car for three years, hand it back, the garage people very kindly ignore the random stains on the seats and floor, and hand me another new vehicle for another three years. I have to admit that I’ve never quite figured out if economically it’s a good idea or not, but as I can’t afford any of the cars I like, I just go for the most pocket-friendly option and this system works perfectly for me.

So in January I had my change-over and got a new set of wheels which I’m delighted about. What I’m less delighted about is that it’s always beeping at something or other and putting the heart crossways in me. I mean I’m jumpy enough as it is already! It beeps if I go over the speed limit and that’s naturally helpful, once you get over the initial fright.

And there’s the beeping when you’re reversing which is also useful but can also be wildly annoying if you’re trying to concentrate.

But most of the time I’m like: What, what, what am I supposed to have done now? Can you not give me a break? Far more useful I think if it was able to shout ‘over here! I’m over here!’ when I’m trying to remember where I parked, or maybe it could remind me about the Returnables? In general though I’d definitely prefer a more basic model, a bit like myself.

So finally that’s a wrap on another season of Dancing With the Stars and fair play to this year’s winner, Katelyn Cummins (not to mention Jessie).

The question now is what will I do with my Sunday nights? Declutter is what I’ll do because since Christmas, the amount of stuff we seem to have accumulated in our house has gone up a notch and it’s driving me, a self-confessed minimalist, berserk.

I’m a fan of clear surfaces, uncluttered spaces and nothing brings me more joy than an empty drawer or cupboard. Some people might call me cold or forensic and I suppose my habit of reading a birthday card and then immediately placing it (with gratitude) in the recycling bin might give off those vibes. I always appreciate the sentiment, it’s just that I like to move things on.

It is also time for the usual spring clean. Clutter be damned.

Look at it this way, I’m getting ahead of the Swedish death clean. Unfortunately my daughter doesn’t seem to have inherited my trait, which to be honest I think only came on with the middle-aged madness. She’s a maximalist and while I’m not saying one habit is better than the other, swings and roundabouts etc  – but if I had to choose, definitely I’d say my trait is more useful.

At last count she has around 46 lip glosses, six hair brushes, undetermined numbers of very strong smelling perfumes, and various  scraps of paper, none of which can be binned under any circumstances as they’re all special and meaningful and it’s driving me nuts. The coffee table in the TV room has been heaving under the weight of Lego since Christmas and it’s taking more self-control than I thought I possessed not to scoop it all up and put it back in the playroom when I sit down (possibly on a piece of Lego) for those precious 30 minutes at night because ‘I’m worth it’.

Because yes, we have a playroom, although it would be better known as a storage facility. No more. The family has been warned that my inner Marie Kondo is about to be unleashed and I cannot be responsible for my behaviour. I’ve also imposed a household spending ban on the family for three months where we’re only allowed buy groceries and essentials (and lip gloss doesn’t qualify) while I get a handle on things.

In wonderful news, apparently there’s a warm front moving in, in time for Easter. About time too. I think we’re all ready to throw open the doors and assess how bad things really are in our gardens. And nothing screams Easter more than a trip to the garden centre, which is where I tend to lose control over my spending. And obviously a few new pots will fall under the ‘essential spending’ category (it’s in the T&Cs – last line, small print).

Finally, if you’re  driving by my house any time soon and see a skip outside with the husband and offspring trying to climb out, don’t worry. Sometimes I can get a little carried away with my seasonal clear outs, but I always allow myself a cooling off period. There’s honestly no need for concern...