Even when life deals a painful blow, like the end of a relationship, it’s often not the event itself that crushes us, but the story we tell ourselves about what it means.

This is one of the messages of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), that we are generally disturbed not by events, but by the view which we take of them. When you’re worried or depressed by something specific, it might not seem that way. It might seem your emotions are solely driven by your difficult situation. If so, consider the following story, about a therapy session between the late founder of CBT, Dr Aaron Beck, and a depressed female client*.

At first glance, her situation is heart-breaking: her partner of ten years, David, has left. She feels abandoned, anxious for her children, uncertain about money, and hopeless about the future. But what Beck shows, with compassion and insight, is her despair is not rooted in these facts, but in her interpretation of them.

Beck begins by helping her examine what she believes she has lost. She identifies David as her best friend and emotional confidant. She worries about her children, her financial future, and her sense of security.

Hot thought

But as Beck digs deeper, he asks a thought-provoking question: If David had gone off to war and you didn’t know when or if he was coming back, would you feel as devastated as now? She immediately sees the difference. 

No, she says. It would still hurt, but in that case, David would be gone because of external circumstances, not because he chose to leave her.

And this is the crux of her pain: he rejected her. To her, this doesn’t just mean the end of a relationship; it means she is
not lovable.

This is the key, the hot thought that drives her suffering. The raw facts, that of David’s departure and the uncertainty of the future, are difficult, but survivable. What makes them seem unbearable is the deeper belief they seem to confirm: I am unlovable. This is a thought, not a fact.

However, when thoughts like this go unchallenged, they feel like truth. They become the lens through which we interpret everything.

Beck exposes the fragility of this thought with gentle irony. So David is the supreme arbiter of who is lovable in this world? he asks. If David said he didn’t love him [Beck], then he should go into an acute depression? She laughs through her tears. When looked at plainly, the idea that one man’s choice determines her value becomes obviously false. And yet, in the depths of depression, such thoughts can be all-consuming.

Another belief Beck uncovers is her sense of being ‘stupid’ for having invested so much in the relationship. She gave everything to her husband. In her mind, she deserved love in return. That may sound fair, but Beck highlights the underlying assumption: that life should reward effort with success, that giving everything guarantees a happy ending.

‘Where is it written that you should get back something on this investment?’ he asks. She half-jokes, ‘The Bible, maybe.’ Beck gently challenges this too. There are no absolute guarantees in life, he says, not even in love. Expecting otherwise may be understandable, even human, but when those expectations aren’t met, it’s not the world that has failed. It’s the expectation that
was flawed.

Beck’s intervention doesn’t dismiss her pain. Instead, it shows her that her suffering is being shaped and amplified by powerful, unquestioned thoughts: I’m not lovable. I’ve failed. I’ve been stupid. Life is unfair.

Cognitive therapy does not attempt to deny that life can be brutal. It simply insists we have the power to see it differently. 

In Beck’s approach, the task is not to escape pain, but to question the thoughts that turn pain into despair.
In truth, David’s decision says more about him than it does about her. His unreliability, his broken promises, his inability to commit: these are his shortcomings. And yet, she has internalised them as proof of her own unworthiness. Her life will change for the better not by getting David back, but by changing her thoughts, assumptions and beliefs.

What Beck is doing is not positive thinking. It is accurate thinking. His work is a reminder that even in the most painful of circumstances, there is a way forward and that most of the time, our feelings are shaped not by our situation, but by our thoughts about it.

*If you’re curious, the Beck session can be viewed on YouTube.