In my last article, I explored the habit of dampening – how people downplay or distance themselves from positive experiences, often without realising it.
Dampening is an attempt to stay guarded, to play things safe, but it damages well-being and robs us of joyful moments. So how do we break the habit?
It starts with awareness. Many people dampen positive experiences automatically (‘Anyone could have done it’, ‘This won’t last’), without questioning the thought patterns behind it.
The first step is to notice when it happens. Pay attention to moments when you brush off a compliment, downplay an achievement, or tell yourself not to get too excited.
Ask yourself: Am I diminishing this experience? Would I respond the same way if a friend shared this with me? Rejecting or minimising positive experiences can become a habit, so aim to break it.
Secondly, ask yourself if you hold positive beliefs about dampening, seeing it as a way to stay humble, avoid disappointment, or protect yourself from future setbacks. You may think, ‘If I don’t get excited, I won’t be let down,’ or ‘It’s better to stay grounded, this won’t last.’
Let’s look at those arguments. Firstly, dampening doesn’t prevent disappointment – it just reduces the ability to fully experience joy. Over time, this weakens motivation, reinforces negative thinking, and make happiness feel fleeting. Life can become a slog. You’re more likely to feel jaded, tired, dulled.
Secondly, it’s true that excitement and joyful moments don’t last. Life is full of good and bad moments, nothing lasts forever.
But that’s why it’s important to savour the good stuff. When you make a point of truly experiencing the good times, these memories will become a source of strength when you need them.
Tips
One simple tip is to get into the habit of saying ‘Yes, and…’ instead of ‘Yes, but…’ The goal here is to stop neutralising good experiences with unnecessary qualifiers.
For example, ‘I got a compliment, but they were probably just being nice’ is a dampening thought. A reframed version: ‘I got a compliment, and I appreciate they noticed my effort.’
Another aim should be to expand the emotional lifespan of positive events. Instead of rushing past good moments, extend them.
After a positive event, pause and mentally replay it. Ask: What made this moment special? What emotions did I feel?
Write it down, focusing on sensory details and emotions. For example, a dampening approach would be to say, ‘That holiday was nice, but now it’s over.’
A savouring version would be to dwell on it and to change your focus: ‘I still remember the warm sun on my face, the sound of the waves, and how peaceful I felt.’
Similarly, you can engage in mental time travel, strengthening positive memories by fully re-experiencing them.
Close your eyes and imagine stepping into a memory portal that takes you back. Use the present tense: ‘I am there. I feel…’ instead of ‘I was there.’ Let yourself re-experience the emotions of the moment.
For example, a dampening thought would be, ‘I had fun back then, but life isn’t like that any more.’ A savouring version would be, ‘I can still feel that joy. It’s part of me, and I can create more moments like that.’
It’s also a good idea to use physical reminders of positive experiences, and to reinforce positive emotions with objects, photos, or music that trigger happy memories. Say you’re looking at photos or listening to music that reminds you of a joyful experience: do so purposefully, and take 10 seconds to re-experience the happiness associated with it.
‘Experiences live on in the memories we cherish, the stories we tell, and the enhanced sense of self they help us construct’, says Cornell psychologist Prof Thomas Gilovich.
Let me add to that: yes, experiences live on, but only if we let them. That’s yet another reason why it’s good to embrace the positive rather than to dampen it – so that positive memories can live forever.
