WOMAN ON THE VERGE: That sinking feeling as cake fails the taste test

Your columnist’s birthday cake for her daughter looked the business until it started to sag, and the fussy young judges found it wasn’t to their taste! But news of drones delivering burritos in Dublin has her green with jealousy

• I HADN’T had a baking fiasco in a while so I was well overdue one, it’s just a pity the timing was so off. 

I had set aside an hour one morning last week to make a birthday cake for my daughter who was having her party the following day. Nothing grandiose, I’m not a bad baker but I was keeping things straightforward: two round Madeira cakes to make into an ‘8.’ Simples. I did think as I put them into the oven, that the batter looked a bit ‘different’ but I hadn’t time to ponder it too much as I had a pinata to stuff and party bags to pack. 

They actually looked grand when I took them out, and my skewer came out clean which gave me false reassurance (for full disclosure I should point out that I lost my skewer a few years back so used a decorative wooden cocktail stirrer which I think was my downfall). The cakes were cooling nicely on the rack one minute, and the next they had literally deflated, sunk in the centre, along with my spirits. 

I still didn’t panic too much as I was going to be cutting the centres out anyway to make the ‘8’ shape so I ploughed on until it was impossible to ignore the fact that the cakes were still almost entirely raw. 

At this stage they were out of the tins, so I had to put them back into the oven on plates and hope for the best. Sure how bad could they be when covered in chocolate icing and smarties I figured, and how discerning could a group of seven and eight year old girls be? 

Very, it turns out! And I don’t blame them – with all my messing, the cake was almost rock hard and suitable only for a spot of road bowling. Even the cows didn’t seem that impressed when they got it after everyone else rejected it. I’m still not sure where I went wrong ... maybe not buying one to pass off as my own in the first place perhaps? You live and learn. 

• Anyway, the seven-year old marked turning eight by getting her ears pierced. Now, this is a massive rite of passage for girls and is something that had been talked about in our house for ages, and then some more. I remember I got mine done for my Holy Communion and despite practically drinking the surgical spirits they got really badly infected. It was a most unpleasant business.

I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say it was along the lines of a tsunami of puss when I finally managed to get the earrings off. I suffered on, though, as the ambition was to be able to wear dangly earrings and I got there in the end. No pain no gain, as the fellow says. As my daughter’s pain threshold is on the low side of low I had done my best to put her off the idea as I figured the person suffering the greatest pain in the situation would be myself, but to be fair she was grand (I was the nervy one in fact!) and Olive the therapist who ‘performed’ the piercing was absolutely superb. 

• I’ve only ever had a single piercing in each ear except for a moment of rebellion in my late teens when I got my eyebrow pierced. It hurt like hell, didn’t really suit me (I’m far too straight-laced) and my mother went mad so I think I only kept it in for a week. I’m nearly tempted to go back and have it done again. Mid-life crisis? Why do you say that?. 

A trip to get little ears pierced wasn’t as painful as Emma expected.

• I know I live a fairly sheltered life but my mind was blown during the week when my brother showed me a video of his friend getting fast food delivered to his Dublin home ... by a drone. I know! Mental! I’m still impressed when the DHL delivery drivers pull up at my house, so I would literally lose my life if a burrito landed on my front lawn which is what happened in this case (well, back garden to be precise), and I’m sure our dog would be too if he got there first. 

It looked like a mini space-craft was landing and I half-expected Anneka Rice to pop out from some place. It’s gas, though, isn’t it? I wonder would they ever consider extending the service a bit further south-west? I’d tip well for the novelty and indulgence! 

• In the meantime, we’re getting our kicks in anticipation of a stage of the West Cork Rally going past our house this weekend. I’m not into rallying at all but like I said I lead a sheltered existence so this is going to be ... epic! 

• Hopefully it will be dry enough to get the lawn cut for the first time this year, so we’ll have the place looking well and we might get a bit of power washing done too. 

• I might even consider having some light snacks on standby in case the drivers need refuelling – energy balls maybe or protein shakes perhaps (definitely no baked goods). Although with any luck a mobile chip van will be in the vicinity – surely the next best thing if you can’t get a drone-delivered burrito!