Houston, we have lift-off out of lockdown!

DIARY OF A DEMENTED HOME WORKER: Week 13 and we got totally lucky with Leo’s unexpected good news, which means we’ll have a summer after all

• LAST week was a funny old one, wasn’t it? Lots of us were flagging in a frightening way, but when the leaks started early on Friday morning that Leo was going to be announcing good news that afternoon, we dared to believe. And the collective cheer that went up when he gave the green light to unrestricted travel in every county, was up there with when Gary and Paul won silver. We’re extra lucky of course as Cork is the biggest county in Ireland so we’ve plenty of scope, but to be honest I’ve always been a bit unsure about straying further north of Mallow (Anyone for a spin to Newtwopothouse? Kanturk? Didn’t think so).

• Of course the fact that we’re ahead of schedule, has thrown my ‘Operation Covid Comeback’ out of kilter. I was working on a longer lead-in before rejoining civilisation, emerging from a spritz of anti-bac spray, all Zen, tan and at one with nature. Now at the very least I’m hoping I still have time for a home hair-dye job, a DIY mani/pedi and a serious session with the tweezers before anyone calls around. I also want to flag up that I’m officially done with the home baking but there’s bound to be a pack of biscuits floating around.

• I should also admit that I might have gone a small bit ‘quare’ during the lockdown. And I’d hazard a guess that I’m not the only one (don’t leave me hanging here now). And as great as it is that the country is reopening, it’s going to take a bit of getting used to. We’ve had three (intense) months with just our families where we could basically behave like the worst versions of ourselves and still get away with it. Readjusting to societal norms, or even being polite, is going to take a while to get back into. I see people are already slotting into various behavioural categories while out and about: the over-cautious; over-zealous; over-talkative; over-anxious … myself, I’m mainly just overweight.

• Browsing also looks like it’s going to be a bit tricky for a while. That’s going to take some of the joy out of shopping really, isn’t it? For me anyway. A lot of the time it’s about the experience of skimming the rails, trying on, and not always the actual buying (I know that doesn’t help retailers pay their bills, sorry). I’m very curious as to how (thanks gurl) Penneys will pan out. I think if McDonalds is anything to go by, it will be interesting. In general, I fear if you need to make an appointment, or queue, it might just put you off entirely.

• Although, maybe not. At the start of the pandemic I was being really prudent with my purchases and began to look at this period as a chance for financial consolidation (or to reduce the overdraft). Yup, so that feeling faded fairly fast, and now I literally cannot stop spending. I think it’s my way of coping with things. So to prevent bankruptcy, I’ve had to impose a strict 24-hour cooling off period on all non-vital purchases (so everything that isn’t wine, coffee or antibacterial wipes). Good thing, too, as it turns out I might not have needed those white Isabel Marant boots as much as I thought I initially did, lovely and all as they are (but if anyone would like to treat me, I’m a size six and won’t be at all offended).

• It’s kind of mind blowing to think that if all of ‘this’ hadn’t happened, primary school children wouldn’t be getting holidays for another few weeks yet. In case you were wondering why you were feeling so frazzled, there you go. I got a text from my local playschool asking what mornings I’d like to reserve from September. I resisted the urge to say seven, and was in like a shot with five. This is dependant on lots of things obviously, but it’s giving me hope.

• I was actually sweltering in Spain this time last year. I was also a stone lighter. I’m not sure which I’m more regretful over. I’m getting Ryanair emails every other day now, suggesting flights to Italy, Spain, Portugal, Greece, Cyprus and Malta. I’m still a long way from even considering getting on a plane, yet to be honest.

• But my God I’m only dying for a big blow out. Something that involves packing a bag, getting really dressed up, leaving the parish, and spending even 24 hours with people I don’t live with. A girlie catch-up - but obviously without the spa treatments.

• The weather has been super, but my garden is really feeling it. Even the rabbits aren’t bothering with my raised beds anymore, and the hosepipe ban is adding to the challenge. When the skies opened on Wednesday I was literally out there doing my version of a raindance.

• I have to say, though, that I’m seeing things much clearer now that the window cleaner has been. I feel I definitely have a better vision now for, how the summer might pan out. From where I’m sitting it’s going to be streaky in patches.

• What I am going to miss as we navigate our way out of this is the nightly dispatch from the living legend that is Dr Tony. But I wish he’d just come out and say a straightforward yes or no to the masks. We need to be all sweating in this together, or not at all.

• I imagine that right this minute there are people writing movie scripts and books on what’s been an insane few months. I’m thinking of an opening line like: ‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.’ If you imagine Morgan Freeman saying it, it sounds better. If I don’t get the call up for the role of ‘demented home worker’. I’ll be absolutely disgusted. Just saying. I could even wear the white ankle boots with my leggings to look extra cray cray. If I wasn’t already.