DIARY OF A DEMENTED HOME WORKER: The fourth wave and my crap beach visit

June 6th, 2021 6:25 PM

By Emma Connolly

Let’s hope beach waves are the only ones we’ll be talking about. Meanwhile, Joey memes are giving me life, while Naomi Campbell has welcomed a new life, into her life ... but how?

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It’s Week 64 and I’ve spent most of it keeping up with the Matt Le Blanc memes and recovering from a super stressful power outage

• GETTING straight down to business, what are we all thinking about botox? Let me tell you what we’re all thinking, seeing as no one bothered to tell me, we’re all thinking that it’s bloody brilliant. And how do I know that? Well, not surprisingly the Friends Reunion sparked a flurry of messages on my various WhatsApp groups about the gals’ faces, specifically Court and Jen. The consensus was that once you got used to their distracting, squinty little eyes they looked great (my husband concurred, perhaps a bit too enthusiastically). Maybe it was the glass of wine people were enjoying while watching the (slightly over-hyped) show, but there were lots of loose lips (and tight eyes) who were  admitting to a regular jab or five. And there I was thinking I was just ageing badly. Give me strength. Seemingly botox is really common now with pretty much the corner shop offering it (a bit like how you could  get a sunbed session in the video shop – which in hindsight was really weird). I’m going to look into it. Watch this … face.

• I actually wasn’t going to bother watching the Friends Reunion at all as I felt it would be a bit of a barf-fest. And while I did start out all cynical, just a few minutes in I was feeling all the love as memories came flooding back. Some members of the public contributed to the show and said it changed their lives unimaginably. Now I wouldn’t go that far, but I do remember spending a month’s wages on a black leather coat like one Rachel had, which I wore with black knee-high boots (much classier than it sounds, I think), how we all drank our coffee from the huge cups they had in Central Perks and how once when a (very drunk) guy said I looked like Rachel, I thought I might actually die with happiness.

• And all the Joey memes? They were better than the show itself, comedy gold. Fellow Star columnist Colm Tobin summed it up well when he said: ‘I don’t mean to be sensationalist, but this Matt Le Blanc Twitter thing is the best thing to happen in Ireland since Independence.’ Something else absolutely hilarious is Motherland on Netflix by Sharon Horgan and Graham Linehan. I’m probably very late to this, but lads, it’s proper laugh-out-loud funny. Check it out. It’s helping to fill the gap that Mare of Easttown has left in my life (I swear I do other things besides watch TV).

• Speaking of  mothers, I can’t understand why there isn’t more fuss over Naomi Campbell becoming a mother, at the age of 50. Every time she posts something on Instagram about her ‘beautiful little blessing’  or her ‘angel,’ I’m screaming at my phone, ‘tell us how!’ I mean I know the ‘how’ obviously, but she’s 50 (actually just turned 51), so I think she should quit the coy, social media posts and come clean, or else share her doctor’s number. Motherhood at 50 shouldn’t be presented as a realistic option. Just saying. Heartiest congratulations and all the rest.

• Oh god, I had my first power outage since I started working from home. I nearly had a stroke. It was a Wednesday afternoon, our press day, when you have to look a bit lively. To make it worse, I had promised the five-year-old a tub of candy floss that morning to get us out the door in time for school. She’s never had it, so forbidden fruit and all the rest. Anyway, I had intended to get her some for a quiet life, but the local shop, and other businesses, had to close for a short while due to the power outage. Needless to say that didn’t go down as  well as the candy floss would have. So, as well as looking at my precious minutes slipping by, the ESB saying it could be at least five hours before it was restored, and a tight feeling spreading across my chest,  I had someone at my feet wailing over candy floss, and wondering why there was no TV. By some stroke of luck my husband arrived home early and from the look on my face, he knew to go in search of what by that stage had become ‘cotton candy’. Mercifully, the power came back, and so did they, but not until a bit later on, and with two little teddies. I didn’t even ask. I’ve since purchased a tub of candy floss and tucked it away for future electricity-generated emergencies. What’s that? Ah no, I wouldn’t exactly say I’m a parenting guru or anything, but you’re all welcome to message me if you want any advice. Happy to help.

•Like most of the country, we made our season’s beach début last weekend and I was reminded just how much I don’t like it. I know, in West Cork that’s up there with admitting you’re a serial killer, but I’m a ‘dip and go’ type; or better still, a ‘no dip and stay (on the patio)’. I mean it takes half the day to get there, you need half the contents of the house, all stuffed into 27 bags, and you’ll still forget what you actually need (spare knickers). When you’re there you’ll spend the whole time trying to look dignified while balancing your kid on a body board, while trying not to get wet so you won’t have to take off your kaftan, as you silently regret your food choices over the past six months, while inwardly fuming with your friends who were clearly lying when they said they were also overloading on carbs (a bit like that girl in your class who said she wasn’t revising either and then asks for extra paper in the Leaving Cert. Still can’t let that go). What made our visit even worse is that a dog decided that right beside us would be the perfect spot for a dirty, big  diarrhoea dump. Yup, every bit as crap as it sounds.

• Finally, we made the radical decision to partially disband the home office. We ‘stood down’ one of the folding tables (where a broken printer has perched for the past four months) as it was needed to feed silage men outdoors. A bold, but hopefully not premature, decision. Let’s not even mention that fourth wave.

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