EMMA CONNOLLY: My passenger seat antics are driving my husband potty

Taking care on the roads is vital but this week our columnist is coming to terms with the fact she may have developed a habit of being overly jumpy on the family outing ... and then there was that ‘hedge’ incident ....

• I THINK if my husband ever leaves me it will be because of my antics in the front seat of the car. Previously I’d have wagered he might hit the road because of the way I stack the dishwasher or the way I go to battle with the roll of cling film, and wreck it every single time (surely not just me?). Now, though, I think my behaviour in the passenger seat is what might tip him over the edge.

I’ve become insanely and involuntarily jumpy (some may say erratic) as soon as we pull out of the driveway. I cannot help but see danger at every turn and feel the need to express it with loud shrieks (some might say roars) every km of the way. Along the lines of ‘stop!’ or ‘oh god we’re all going to die’ or ‘Jesus, Mary and Joseph do you see the pigeon?’ and various combinations of ‘brake/indicate/brake and indicate/go easy/stay back. Going around roundabouts I literally close my eyes and start praying.

It’s so bad that he is actually suggesting I drive for a quiet life and I don’t blame him. I’ve no idea where this ‘challenging’ behaviour has come from. I think I’ll blame middle age.

• This came to mind as we had a ‘memorable’ drive to Cork for a recent U8 blitz. It was nothing that we couldn’t put to one side (line) upon arriving at Páirc Uí Chaoimh. Besides, we had to focus: the stakes are always high at blitzes. It’s got nothing to do with the kids either – any child who togs off is a winner already in my eyes. No, it’s more to do with who you might meet there – and at a blitz, especially a monster blitz, absolutely anyone could potentially turn up.

It could be an ex that you’ve fantasised about bumping into for years, or someone you met in Irish college 20 years ago, or an old colleague ... literally anyone. It’s a pity I only ever remember this every time I’m already there and regretting the fact that I didn’t take the time to blowdry my hair – as I anxiously scan the crowd, while also keeping a close eye on the match, of course. Sure, it’s all fun and games.

• When in Cork we swung by the Marina Market. I love this place even if I tend to get a bit panicky there (you’re seeing a theme here, aren’t you?). I always make a beeline for the noodle spot and then ... panic in case what I order is too spicy/not spicy enough, too filling/not filling enough, so then I go to the burger joint and get a halloumi burger, and while chomping my way through it I wonder if I should really have chanced the noodles after all, all the while petting some cute dog in the vicinity.

It’s a really relaxing experience for my husband who is probably already dreading my behaviour in the car on the way home. Anyway, wouldn’t it be great if we had such an indoor marked in West Cork? There’s something in the back of my brain telling me that it was on the agenda at some stage for Clonakilty. You’d want guts to develop it obviously (and cash), but I’d say it would be a massive hit. Anyone?

• Anyway, so I know last week I raved about Ripley. I hadn’t quite finished the series at that point and I’ll admit that I found it a tiny bit drawn out towards the end (yes, I was falling asleep).Having said that I still desperately want to holiday in Italy this year, specifically Atrani on the Amalfi Coast where it’s set. Seems like I’m not the only one, either, as Airbnb said it recorded a 93% increase in queries for the area. Gas!

Watching Ripley has Emma dreaming of a trip to Atrani and the Italian Amalfi Coast. (Photo: Shutterstock)

We’re all as impressionable as each other. I’ve no TV recommendations this week as I was boring myself (and becoming boring) with too much screentime so instead I’ve dived into Edel Coffey’s new book In Her Place. I’m really enjoying it.

Also, did you see that Ryan Tubridy has a new podcast series, The Bookshelf with Ryan Tubridy? In weekly episodes, international guests from the worlds of music, television, literature and sport who all share a love for reading will join Ryan to turn the pages of their life story through the prism of three books: their favourite childhood book, the book that made them cry, and the book that changed their life. Ryan will also offer up his pick for ‘Ryan Recommends’, a segment where he shares a book he has enjoyed in recent weeks and months. Sounds like it will be really entertaining and well worth checking out. I’ve just one small confession to make though: I don’t listen to podcasts. Should I just get my coat now and leave?

• Speaking of leaving, I’ve thought of another reason my husband might leave me and I don’t actually blame him for this one. He trimmed a hedge in the garden last week and did a grand job, to be fair (under my instruction). Anyway, he missed a bit (as you do) so very helpfully I got out the clippers afterwards and snipped the spot and then I sort of couldn’t stop. It was a bit like when you get out the tweezers for your brows and before you know it you’ve only got three hairs left. I felt like I was under some kind of spell but it was so satisfying, a bit here, a bit there, another bit, snip, snip, snip, it just felt so darn good.

In the end my husband had to wrestle the sheers off me as darkness descended, and I only relinquished control as I felt someone was going to get hurt. The whole thing reminded me of the time Fr Ted tried to even out a dent in the car, and keeps tapping away at it with a hammer.

Fans of the show will remember how that ended (badly ... very badly), and well, the hedge looks a bit worse for wear too, to be honest. But sure as I told himself, it will grow back in time. Will it, do you think, or should I start to ... panic?