DIARY OF A DEMENTED HOME WORKER: Hurley-burly over Liz in lockdown!

DIARY OF A DEMENTED HOME WORKER: It’s Week 47 and I’m preoccupied with jowl sagging and what’s in fashion this summer – in the hope that we’ll actually be going places

I HAVEN’T quite started scratching off the lockdown weeks on my wall like a prisoner in a cell, but I’ve definitely thought about it. Here’s how the past seven days have gone for me and my general state of mind as reflected by the various things I Googled at various times ....

• How do you improve jowl sagging?

That’s just one of the many things that preoccupy my tiny brain on a daily basis. And the good news is that there’s lots you can do without leaving the (dis)comfort of your home. In fact the toning exercises that Google suggested, making exaggerated vowel sounds, are best done alone at home. Here goes: ‘Aaaaa,’ ‘Eeeeeee,’... I’ll report back if there’s any improvement. So far the jury’s ‘Owwwwut.’

• How do you know if your dog is depressed?

I’m not sure if my dog is suffering from pandemic flatness or something deeper. I do know, though, she’s become super clingy, cannot be alone for even a moment, and is demanding more snacks than the four-year-old. She’s never been one to ramble but the other day on the drive back from the weekly post office trip, we found her holding up traffic and rambling down the village main street in search of us. An actual cry for help or just looking for attention? I’m still not sure.

How do you know you’re not depressed yourself or just a bit fed-up? Also: could last week’s Wolf Moon excuse calling your husband an a**hole (to his face)?

I went down a huge rabbit hole on this one and kept searching until I found some ‘expert’ to say that all behaviour that might usually be perceived as unreasonable, aggressive or totally crazy can be attributed to lockdown until further notice. Wow that’s a relief. I sent that link to my husband and other family members.

• What’s new on Netflix?

Take it from me, the answer to that is nothing. I tried Penguin Bloom and while I love Naomi Watts I wasn’t feeling it for the bird. I might give it another go, though, as someone on Brendan O’Connor’s radio show last Sunday was gushing in his praise of it. I found I wasn’t in the zone for The Dig either – feeling a bit too cranky to appreciate anything ‘beautifully shot.’ I must definitely catch up with Channel 4’s It’s a Sin. All round rave reviews there. I’ve ordered the novel Girl A by Abigail Dean as well, which should get me off the sofa and to bed earlier. Oh, I also Googled: ‘How to plump up a sagging leather sofa.’

• Should I try an at-home cacao ceremony?

Right, so this is definitely not very me, but I’m not really feeling ‘very me,’ so I’m thinking of giving this ‘malarky’ a go. I’m also heavily influenced by my favourite girl crush broadcaster Angela Scanlon who is a big fan. Cacao is basically raw chocolate (no marshmallows involved), and when you drink it, it’s meant to release endorphins and make you feel incredible. So far, so hippy dippy. The ceremony, which originated in Bali I think, can also involve stating your intention for the day and what you’re grateful for. Actually, yeah, I’ll probably stick with the swimming for the moment and hope for the best.

• Lunch time ideas for fussy eaters?

The four-year-old, who was already a pretty fussy eater, has gone vegetarian so meal times have become more challenging than usual. Related searches include: Is there a healthy flap jack that your kid will actually eat? How do you wean kids off jellies as their mid-morning snack?

• What’s the longest you can go without washing your hair?

Yeah, I was mainly sussing that one out for ‘a friend.’ Experts agree a few days is fine. My ‘friend’ says her scalp got a little itchy after five days, but it did look healthier than it had in a while when she washed it on day six. So she says anyway.

• Where is Stephen Donnelly, Health Minister from?

Wicklow, in case you were wondering. I looked that one up because, and I don’t mean to sound personal, I find that he’s got a very annoying ‘know it all’ voice. Just me? I definitely appreciate that being Health Minister right now is a big deal, but, straight up, I way preferred Simon Harris (and isn’t he a complete dote on Instagram?).

• Do I need a stand-up desk?

According to everyone who sells stand-up desks, I do! It will make me think clearer, work faster, stand taller and change my life. If I can claim it on expenses I’d definitely consider it – anything to jazz up the home office experience.

• What’s the weather going to be like tomorrow?

That’s an obvious one and being completely honest the odd rainy day is something I’m welcoming – a water tight excuse for not having to go on yet another walk.

• What are the fashion trends for summer ‘21?

I really wish I hadn’t bothered with this one as apparently bralette tops, midriff flossing (basically lots of crisscrossing cords resembling dental floss coming off your top, pants or skirt) and peekaboo cut-outs on tops and dresses will be all the rage. I know it’s only February but I may have to admit defeat on these at this early stage.

• How old is Elizabeth Hurley?

She’s 55, and is clearly having a very different pandemic experience than I am,  going by her Instagram feed anyway. One of her latest posts, which caused quite the stir, showed her posing topless in the snow, with just a fur coat to protect her modesty. Related searches included: What regime does Liz Hurley follow?  According to Google Liz said: ‘I don’t really sit still. I don’t lie around on the sofa.’ Oh right. I can see where I’ve been going wrong now. Anyway, for something far more uplifting I suggest you all Google ‘Garda Jerusalema dance challenge.’  Absolutely brilliant,w isn’t it? Perked me right up.