OPINION: Leo's cringe-inducing letter to pop sensation

VLAD’S loyalty to the onetime teenybopper Kylie Minogue (she’s now half a century old)  would warm the cockles of any cynic’s heart. There he was, the most powerful politico in Ireland, Taoiseach of all he surveys,  personally welcoming by letter the nasally princess of pop to her gig in Dublin
‘Dear Kylie,’ his letter cringingly began, ‘The Irish Nation would appreciate it if you posted me a half dozen freebies for meself and the lads for your forthcoming concert in Dublin; and oh, if this freaks you out, it’s OK ’cos I’m the Prime Minister of Ireland, or Taoiseach, as we call it over here.  You might have seen the film Michael Collins, well, that’s me, sort of, and I’m a big fan of yours. So send me a bunch of tickets or I’ll put the Welfare onto ya.  Yours truly, Vlad the Impaler.’

Nah! He didn’t say anything of the sort.  We jest, of course.  It was worse!

Here’s what Ireland’s head of government actually declared.  By the way (for American and Australian readers), Leo is leader of the most important political party in the land, as well as being gaffer of the executive branch of government. 

‘Dear Kylie, just wanted to drop you a short note in advance of the concert in Dublin. Am a huge fan! I understand you are staying in the Merrion Hotel which is just across the street from my office in Government Buildings. If you leave the window open, I can give you a blast of “Can’t Get You Out of My Head”.’

Leo the Fifth

Nah, that’s an exaggeration too. But he did say this: ‘If you like, I’d love to welcome you to Ireland personally,’ signing the letter Leo V Taoiseach (Irish Prime Minister).

Now, we have a problem with the ‘V’ which is the Roman numeral for fifth. Did Leo the Fifth refer to the Byzantine Emperor castrated by some angry backbenchers, or was he pretending to be Pope Leo V, murdered by a rival Pope, or Leo the Lion, King of the Jungle?

Like, what we mean to convey is that not even Bob Geldof referred to himself in such monarchical terms although the Boomtown Rat famously explained his reasons for getting into pop music in the following way: ‘to get rich, to get famous and to get laid.’

And yes, we all know that Kylie is fabulous but that doesn’t kinda explain our Taoiseach’s dynamic eagerness to meet her. 

Cruel denigrators of her voice, tonality and vocal techniques have described her songs as bubble-gum disco music, particularly when she can’t sing for toffee even when miming, and that she’s much too cutesy for someone not far off from collecting the auld-age ‘pinsin’.

And then there’s that wholesome, girl-next-door image, which she enhances by spray-on-under-the-armpit-type songs, although it’s not easy to project that type of public persona when the lustre of vulnerability and eroticism that defined her is fading.

‘A camera slut’

Back when Vlad wrote his letter ahead of Ms Minogue’s proposed visit to Dublin last October (the gig was postponed when she came down with a throat infection), he made several efforts to prevent the release of the gushing details into the public domain. He didn’t succeed.

Former PD Minister for Justice, Michael McDowell, thought the letter to the lady with the perfect body parameters to be quite tasteless and lacking in refinement. He described Our Taoiseach as ‘a bit of a camera slut’ – an appallingly hurtful description.  A ‘slut’, after all, can mean someone who’s slovenly, a word that in no way describes the dapper Mr Varadkar. In fact, the onetime Attorney General should explain what exactly is a ‘camera slut.’

That aside, the Aussie songbird performed brilliantly at her gig in the Three Arena last December where happily in attendance was the starry-eyed Vlad. Accompanying him were his partner, two coppers in mufti and four pals.

After the show, they all enjoyed sangers and drinky-winkies and, although Varadkar paid the bill, the story got about that everything had been on the house and that no one thought of leaving a few bob as a tip for the waitress. Which was all wrong, according to an official government statement! 

But, then, that’s the sort of cattiness that Our Vlad has to endure. Interesting too that Ms Minogue has one of the largest gay followings in the world, which her fans attribute to the fact that she’s remained classy, sexy and sophisticated. We agree.

Country needs you

A definition of trench warfare, said a punster in the Cork Arms, is a last ditch effort. He hit the nail on the head because in 2017, the last line of military defence amounted to just three recruits.

Very few people, you see, want to remain in the Defence Forces and, last year, military personnel across all ranks were scarpering at the rate of 40-50 a month. So bad was the situation that the Haulbowline Matelots could not set sail because there were not enough crew members to drive the ships. 

Said military analyst Mickey Martin: ‘The government’s military policy is completely out of touch with the reality on the ground.’

Somewhat mysterious

Michael Collins is West Cork’s only Independent TD. He recently announced that he wants State recognition for ‘a school,’ but he gave no details, which is all somewhat mysterious. In response, according to the public representative, the Minster for Education and Skills revealed that his Department had indeed received correspondence from ‘the school.’ Again no information.  Talk about parliamentary openness!

Meanwhile the TD from Lowertown, Schull, who got into the Dáil on the basis of offering a different and better type of representation (no details), tells us that the government is keeping mum on who is entitled to benefit from the ‘Rainy Day’ Fund.

However, some ‘details’ include the fact that the Fund will be supplemented with an annual State contribution of €500 million. The idea is that it will act as a buffer in the event of ‘any future potential economic shocks.’

Deputy Michael Collins isn’t happy. He believes the fund should have been put in place to help with the fodder crisis in Goleen, Castletown and Clonakilty. Fishermen along the West Cork coast, whose lobster pots and fishing gear are being destroyed from storms, also should have got an official handout and, of course, he asks ‘what about the housing crisis in West Cork?’ Or a cataract unit in Bantry General Hospital or the new rooms promised for St Brogan’s College in Bandon?

He fears the Rainy Day Fund will become ‘a slush fund’ for ministers from the rich parts of Dublin and that West Cork will be ignored.  Fair dues, like! 

We kinda know what he’s saying, even if he’s short on the ‘details’!